Adventures of the Anonymous Blueberry Muffin Thief

I'm going through one of those awesome phases where I don't sleep. Or rather, I can't sleep. Not sleeping isn't an issue for me usually, I'll start working on something and decide to stay up and get it done or whatever, then crash a couple of days later. No, this is me trying to get a normal night's sleep and failing miserably. It's not unusual in the summer (I hate curtains, so don't block out the light, but then since I don't go to bed til later, it's not so much of a problem) possibly because I don't really have a routine in the summer since I don't work (at the moment). But at the moment I'm adding the fact that it's cold to this (I hate the cold, and I object to wearing socks to bed in June).

Normally I wouldn't worry too much, but at the moment I've got a pile of extra stresses (my house is falling apart, the boyfriend is buying a house, the bookshelf falling down yesterday and post for mum making me suddenly not cope all over again blah blah blah) so I fixate on the little things that shouldn't be stressful (Odyssey in two weeks, which my booking didn't go through for properly and the boyfriend is nagging at me to get it done, and I failed at getting armour sorted and due to a really important work thing the day after I can't fight (because I will hurt myself otherwise) and oh god people blah blah blah) which is, apparently last night now causing the wonderful cycle of "I can't sleep because I can't breathe, I can't breathe because I'm crying, I'm crying because I can't sleep" which was just what I didn't fucking need at 2am.

There were two more paragraphs here that basically came down to "wah wah I can't cope with being an adult right now" which is pathetic because I can't, I'm just not. So I deleted them and am now going to go and make a cup of tea in a mug that doesn't taste of chai (I like chai, but I also like my tea to taste of tea when I want it to) and have a bath, because that generally makes everything better, and if nothing else, at least my hair will be clean and my legs shaved.

I'm off to a wedding in the northern wilds of Scotland today. The wedding isn't until saturday, but there is a ridiculous amount of travelling to be done, which I'm really not looking forwards to. I mean, I am looking forwards to the wedding (I think, lots of people I don't know very well is always scary) but the three hours on a train and then 8 hours in a car is not my idea of fun. Especially since it'll be dark so I can't read or anything. And I'm incapable of sleeping in cars unless I am completely exhausted, and I don't really know the guy driving so I'm going to be extra twitchy, and I'm feeling rather guilty as I had volunteered to do some of the driving, but failed to work out what insurance changes I'd need to make (at the moment, as far as I can tell, I'm only insured on Panga, which is my dad's car) so I'm a bit fail-boat at the moment.
And Dave is planning on abandoning me to go walking while we're up there, and it's not that I don't want to go walking, my ankles just won't really allow it, which sucks.

And I still don't have any shoes to go with my dress. Bugger. And I still need to actually pack. And put all my laundry away.

Dan and I spent a chunk of yesterday trying to clear the garden of dandelions. We got the patio done, and then it pissed it down with rain, so they'll be back soon enough. We also had a fairly nasty thunder storm in the evening, and the amount of rain coming down has done a bit of a number on my peonies, before I managed to get a good photo of them, which sucks. They usually spring back, but they'll probably be done flowering by that point. Oh well.

I really need a haircut. It's long enough that it'll go into bunches, which while hilarious, means its time for the chop again.

I'm going through one of those phases where I buy lots of dresses and then realise that I hate my stomach podge so never wear them. It's shifting, but I'm really concious of it. Bleh.

I should probably go and do stuff that's useful, like wash up, and fold laundry and err, maybe pack.

made my bed about four hours ago, but I hate arguing with duvets and I had better things to do, and now I've just lost an hour to writing words that I mostly can't read because my hand writing is shit when I'm not trying hard enough and my head hurts like it has all evening, and I've been clenching my teeth, trying to keep the words back until I can get them on the page.

Fuck I hate days like this.

It's all loud music and bright sun and I can't keep anything inside because nothing's making sense right now. Want but don't want, and running towards things until I'm right at the boundary line and I realise that it's terrifying and I can't cope. I'm not an adult and I can't deal with it right now. I want to bury my head and just tell everyone to fuck off. I don't want their issues, I don't want mine. I want to be alone and live and just get on with it, but everyone has expectations and they're the worst things to have to deal with because I'm not entirely sure where the lines are.

I have more books than I have time to read right now (and I have a lot of time, when I'm not wasting it staring into space or reading crap on the internet) and so many things that need doing and I realise there there're things that I've said I'll do that I'm not sure I want to right now.

And my PC is still fucked. I really ought to get that sorted. I want to play with photoshop again.

Most of this is the coffee and the chocolate talking. Some of this is the massive piles of WTF that are going on at the moment. Hopefully sleep (when I've made the bed) will sort the two out and I'll be sane(r) tomorrow.

Today I have things to do. I wasted yesterday pissing about with my music collection, but I have a ritual to finish, the sacrifice props to make and a load of beanbags to make. Oops. These all have to be done by friday afternoon, and I have a staff meeting for two hours tomorrow.

*headdesk*

I have my PC back. My beloved lady Pharangese. Thank god for that, as awesome as Nene is, she was starting to feel the strain, and could do with a well earned break. And clean up.

Now I just have to get used to the PC again, and copy all the stuff over from Nene (where I can, some of it needs to stay there for ease of use) and get settled again.

But I have my new desk, with my PC and my revolving wallpapers again, and nothing can ever be bad.

and I am starting as I hope to go on.

My new mattress has been delivered and dad is on his way over to take the old one to the tip, I've dusted and cleared all the random books and notebooks from various surfaces onto an actual bookshelf. I've got one load of laundry in the dryer, another in the machine, and a third ready to go (although I might have to split it on account of half of it being whites that I'd rather not turn grey). I've sorted my diary out for the last couple of weeks and this week and I've cleaned the teabag jar (since it had about 3 years worth of tea dust and the remains of split bags in it.

Which is all scarily productive. I've also listed a load of unwanted DVDs on eBay and have sorted piles of clothes to be sold and those that can go to the charity shops up the road.

I'm quite proud of myself, as on saturday night I went face first into the pavement (well, knee and boob first, with the underwiring of my bra doing an impressive bruising number on breast and ribcage) and then yesterday I spent 11 hours up the wood running a LARP event, which went really well, but involved a lot of running around, a lot of being beaten up a lot, and a lot of shouting. By the end of it I was running on fumes, nearly fell asleep in the takeaway, and then ate my food so quickly I felt hideously sick. But it was an excellent start to the season for me.
And then this morning I had to hoof it back from MK (I had no idea when the mattress was being delivered) and I've spent the last couple of hours with a steaming headache, that has finally been defeated by painkillers, chai tea and a pita bread with fishfingers.

Now I just need to get rid of the old mattress, work out what I want for dinner and sort the rest of the laundry out. And make up the bed again.

Go me!

I am back in my house. I am barely unpacked, but my internet works, my TV works and I can cook food. I have no furniture, but I do have a blankie nest which works just as well.

And I had chicken burgers, potato waffles and tinned spaghetti for dinner, which is awesome.

I did proper grownup shopping this evening after work and stuff. I am totally a grownup :D

Still hates me. Today it's the upper part that is giving me issues. Which is probably to expected given how much I've been doing crouched over recently.

I'm currently bopping along to xmas tunes and wrapping presents. It's not really relaxing. I mean, I like wrapping presents, but half of them haven't turned up, and I'm slightly concerned about that.

I have a new phone, finally. And the screen works. The last phone I had, I've had for about 2 years, and the screen gave up the ghost, in that it would go all streaky and completely unreadable unless it was kept warm and had pressure applied to it. This sadly led to it usually being stored down my bra, or me sitting on it. Or occasionally at work standing with it under the hand driers in the toilets. But I have a shiny new Samsung Galaxy and it works and is pretty. yay!

We've had a bit of snow this morning, but it's pretty much melted now. Hey ho. I'm not a huge fan of snow, especially when I have places to be. I've never really driven in snow, and we live at the end of lots of windy roads that don't see gritters unless its by accident.
And I have to be a taxi service this afternoon so that dad can go to the rugby. I don't mind too much, but um, meh. It means that I'll be stuck in town for a couple of hours. Although maybe I'll be able to find some stuff for people who I haven't managed to buy for yet. (and nothing for me, I'm banned from buying books again)

The last week has been a bit traumatic, not for any real horrific reason, it just hasn't been great. But things are on the up again, so hopefully they will stay that way.

I'm fairly sure I had other things to say, but buggered if I can remember them. Possibly actually remembering to eat would be a good start.

I'm cold, and while I know I ought to go over to the house and strip wallpaper, the idea is not in the slightest appealing to me. It's sort of one of those days. Actually, I think it might be one of those weeks.

Sunday evening dad sliced his wrist open when a plate smashed in the sink while he was washing up. Cue mad dash of him and Kay to the A&E at 11pm. Apparently bleeding profusely gets you seen far faster than being in untold amounts of pain. I'll have to remember that next time.
Monday morning, dad couldn't ride his motorbike because of the stitches, and I needed the car for work, so I had to go with him to work (oh god oh god his driving makes me have panic attacks) and then take the car home (oh god Brackmills, why must you suck so much) and then go to work (oh god, student, why don't you tell me that you're not turning up).
Yesterday was student being pissy, student not showing up (the same one, who did then text to say she was sorry she hadn't told me that she wouldn't be in), and then student being pissy and rude to the lecturer by doing research for another essay while he was trying to lead a discussion on Ezra Pound's poems. I mean, I have no great love for Pound, but she knows about manners, we've had discussions about them, and she has plenty of time to get her essays done without being quite so rude.
Today is a suprise day off due to student not being in, which makes up for the fact that tomorrow I have to go in, no doubt be stood up by a student, then cover a midwifery lecture for which I have had the disturbing content warning and "we can provide counselling afterwards" talk when I went to the office the other day. And then 3 hours of sitting doing nothing. Woo.

I'm getting a bit fed up of the way that lecturers are now basically telling students everything that needs to go into an essay, almost to the point of a paragraph by paragraph breakdown. In the first year, for the first couple of essays, maybe, to get them into the swing of things, but these are second years now, and if they don't know how to construct an essay and how to analyse a piece of text, then I think all hope might be lost. And it's not like the grading is really harsh, most always seemed to come out with at least a C- last year. It seems to be more the English department that does it, and that makes me feel even worse, as we never got that sort of help when I was at uni, and it feels like these people are going to come out with higher degrees, having done less work than me, which sucks.

The up side of today is that I have Panga the panda back. She is all shiny and without dents or a buckled wheel rim. And I now owe dad £250 and we have to have a 'talk' about money. I may be hiding upstairs later. I suspect a steep rise in rent is coming my way, or the announcement that I will be getting a housemate when I move back. Joy.

There are goldfinches on the feeder again, and I'm thinking I should go and get garlic bread for dinner and maybe forage for some lunch. And then there is to be an Iron Man watching session.
And maybe I will remember to do the tiny bit of work typing that has been sitting on the table all morning looking sad and pitiful.

And I should probably crack on with NaNo, as I've not written anything since saturday. oops.

I keep trying to post, and then finding that I'm exhausted. Work is killing me due to timetabling fuckups and constant changes, having to drive in and then get a bus to and from the campus and then driving back.
Personal life is exhausting as well.
House shit is slowly getting donw, but I'm still stuck living with dad.

Curling up in a ball and crying is very tempting, but sadly not really an option.